Advice from Mom: A Diet That Will Work for Anyone!
by Rae Osenbaugh
Flabby Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there a slim <groan> hope?
Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed,as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor ... otherwise you might have to see him afterward. Good luck! |
- Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
- Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
- Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale soda.
- Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
- Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vegetable dye.
- Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick ). One ice cube, if desired.
- Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
- Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
- Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
- Lunch - Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
- Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some coffee.
- Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
- Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
- Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
Rae is the mother of nine (and grandmother of two) in central Nebraska. She says her house runs smoothly due to "organized chaos, and lots of lists! Anyone wishing to drop her a line is welcome to at firstname.lastname@example.org
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